“Indigenous
Comedy //

The Garter: Lonely scientist proves love doesn’t exist

In what is being called a ‘radical breakthrough’, neuroscientist Michael Anderson claims to have proven there is no such thing as love. “You think there is, for so long, but now I’ve realised it’s all a lie. There’s no such thing as love. It’s all just chemicals in your head and your balls, tricking you…

Lonely scientist Michael Anderson spoke to The Garter between bouts of sobbing Lonely scientist Michael Anderson spoke to The Garter between bouts of sobbing

In what is being called a ‘radical breakthrough’, neuroscientist Michael Anderson claims to have proven there is no such thing as love.

“You think there is, for so long, but now I’ve realised it’s all a lie. There’s no such thing as love. It’s all just chemicals in your head and your balls, tricking you into thinking you’ll be happy when you just don’t want to be alone,” he said in an impromptu interview last night.

His thesis has resounded in the hearts of scientists across the world. In response to his resounding success, he thanked his “ex-wife, without whom none of this would have been possible.”

The discovery was made between 5 and 10 PM at The King’s Pub during their weekly Tequila Tuesday. The bartender on duty, Sara Lambert, reported “it was obvious that he really cared about his work. He was so passionate, he almost seemed to be crying.”

Lonely scientist Michael Anderson spoke to The Garter between bouts of sobbing

When asked about the empirical evidence supporting his theory, Anderson spread his arms and said, “Take a look all around you. Everyone’s single or divorced or about to be. And, I mean, we all die alone anyway. So, like, what’s the point?”

As further evidence for his submission to prestigious journal Nature, he has submitted 5 millilitres of human tears. If published, Anderson will put the money towards fighting for custody of his children.

Filed under: