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Aiming high: the brightest bongs of our generation

Bongs just aren’t what they used to be, writes Ludwig Schmidt

It isn’t really possible to separate the love of bongs, from the love of specific bongs. One only grows to enjoy smoking bongs through each bong that one becomes acquainted with. There are times when I’ve had a cone purely to spend a bit of time with old Rambo, my own favoured bamboo bong. As these steady friends are being slowly illegalised (thanks Victoria) and made harder to purchase, a new industry of custom bong makers has finally arrived in Australia.

The opportunities are now quite endless; no longer is a vortex bong the coolest shit out, you can carry around what looks like an IV drip which continually dutches a gas mask, you can buy instruction manuals to build them out of lego, or even an N64 controller which has a cone piece instead of a joystick. The following are the best bongs I personally have encountered. I encountered them across four continents, and over the last two years. Get thinking, and help the rise of custom bong culture in our own sweet country.


5. The David Bong:

Sighted being smoked in an opium bar in Shanghai, this beautiful, one foot high replica of Michelangelo’s iconic stature had a cone piece where his penis ought to be, and one pulled through his outstretched hand. It seemed much of his body was hollow, making the chamber pretty huge, best used with party pieces. Masonry skills required.

4. Sex Doll

This strangely life-like, yet small, sex doll wraps its legs around your neck. Her mouth serves as a cone piece, and you squeeze her throat while drawing on it. The stomach inflates right in front of your eyes, then when you release her throat you’re able to empty the full chamber through her vajayjay. Amsterdam…

3. Menora

My personal favourite for sentimental reasons. Eight of the candles serve as cone pieces, while the one in the middle protrudes out serving as a mouthpiece. There is a small Star of David on the base which one presses, igniting a small jet lighter on each of the cone pieces simultaneously. To be used strictly for mystical/meditative purposes .The Parisian Jewish Quarter.

2. M16

Probably the most enjoyable bong to use in the world. You place the but of the rifle on the floor and put the barrel in your mouth. When you pull the trigger a jet lighter lights the first of five cone pieces sticking out of the magazine. When pulled again it moves along a small rail to the next one. The guns chamber had been made water tight, meaning it is also the bongs chamber, and the gas storage is where the lighter gas is kept. Enjoy literally shooting up. Hong Kong.

1. Taxidermy 

Awkward, heinously strong, and deeply disturbing, the Taxidermy Dog bong is never the less the deserving number one bong. I have no idea how it worked internally; neither did the man who claims to have made it. All I know is that you the cone piece was inside the Jack Russel terrier’s mouth, his belly button served as a shoty, and, with his tail sticking in the air, you suck through its arse. The dog’s name was Geoffrey, so was its owners. Soho, London.