Dear Ms Rinehart,
In recent months you have generously come to the aid of that ailing Trotskyist publishing house, Fairfax Media. You have patiently increased your stake to become the company’s largest – in a myriad of ways – shareholder. Each step of the way, their ignorant custodians have rebuffed, resisted, and ridiculed you and your vast oceans of money.
We here at Honi Soit would not dare to be so stubborn, nor so proud. Indeed, we write to formally ask – if not beg – that you might consider a full takeover of our newspaper.
We can promise neither a positive return on investment or influence over mining legislation. However, we can guarantee our full support for any prospecting activities that your company may want to conduct on this campus. Sandstone is in particular abundance, and there may be, if rumours prove correct, a large deposit of blood diamonds under the Vice-Chancellor’s office.
Indeed, editorial independence is a concept so foreign to us as to be negligible. In return for your riches, beloved Gina, we gladly turn our pages over to your infinite wisdom and experience in the field of journalism.
In particular, your enormous war chest and capacity to fund ongoing legal action is highly sought after by the editors of Honi Soit. May we express our complete solidarity with your cause of denying your children any share of your unfathomably large fortune.
Like your noble family, our newspaper has a strong and proud tradition of serving this ungrateful nation. Honi Soit comes from the French “Honi soit qui mal y pense”, meaning “shame on he who thinks climate change is real”. Shame also on he who lives on the East Coast, and shame on he who votes for Juliar.
Not since the great Gina G. sang “Ooh, Ah, Just A Little Bit” has a Gina brought such joy to the world as you, Ms Rinehart. You have lifted this nation to become the world’s foremost quarry, and now we hope you will make just one more sacrifice, by buying our humble newspaper and delivering us from the crippling impoverishment of SRC ownership.
As publisher, we are confident you would not have denied us a fully-funded junket to cover the London Olympics, and permanent membership of the Canberra Press Gallery, The Australian Club, and the H. R. Nicholls Society. No – life would be so much sweeter in your vast shadow, Gina, and we hope you will see fit to make the necessary expenditure and acquire our assets. It should take about eight seconds of work for you to acquire the necessary cash.