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Comedy //

Campus Security: Week 1

“I’ve already shaken things up a bit at the Security Office with my request for tear gas and tasers – let’s see you fuck with us now you ibises!”

Samir... keeping these mean pavements safe.
Samir… keeping these mean pavements safe.

Another unsolved case, another day on these mean sidewalks: the call came through from head office (Services Building – Eds.) around 1pm.

“Samir mate, we’ve got reports of a violation of the smoking ban in progress over at Holme, we’re gonna need you to check it out.”

So I strapped on my helmet, jumped on my mountain bike and smashed it (obeyed the relevant speed limits – Eds.) over there!

Sure enough, when I got there, there were some fucking uni students having a cigarette on their own campus! I skidded to a halt, spraying gravel into the eyes of an innocent old lady. No time! Justice must be done!

“Oi, what the fuck?!” I yelled. They looked around, evidently scared and confused. “Excuse me?”, they said, but before they could get another word out I dropped one with my military-issue nightstick (lead-pipe – Eds.) then elbowed the other in the throat. I winded the last guy so badly that he swallowed his cigarette. I took a step back, dusted my hands and rode off, knowing justice had been done.

I’ve gotta say this job was a bit of a step-down for someone with paramilitary training (an orange-belt in Aikido – Eds.). But after I received my dishonorable discharge from RailCorp – honestly, I still don’t get why fracturing a fourteen-year olds eye-socket is that big of a deal if it means he’ll take fare evasion seriously from now on – and what with the police and the army discriminating against me because I’m Muslim (Samir failed both the physical and psychological evaluations, twice – Eds.), I decided that protecting this campus was my true calling.

I’ve already shaken things up a bit at the Security Office with my requests for tear-gas and tasers – let’s see you fuck with us now, you ibis! But I figure, there’s no price too high to pay to ensure that the Vice-Chancellor can walk from his office to his chauffeur-driven car in peace.

I’ve already had some big wins against the anti-social elements of this uni. In my first three days on the job I fined 15 students for riding without helmets: of course, this was after I’d rammed my flashlight into their spokes and taught them a few street smarts.

Sorry, a call just came through on the walkie-talkie: some featherbrain punk’s just been caught littering on the Gadigal Green. Time to go fuck shit up, Samir-style!

And remember: wherever you are, whatever you do, I’m out here and I’m comin’ for you!