“Indigenous
Comedy //

Campus Security: Week 1

“I’ve already shaken things up a bit at the Security Office with my request for tear gas and tasers – let’s see you fuck with us now you ibises!”

Samir... keeping these mean pavements safe. Samir... keeping these mean pavements safe.
Samir… keeping these mean pavements safe.

Another unsolved case, another day on these mean sidewalks: the call came through from head office (Services Building – Eds.) around 1pm.

“Samir mate, we’ve got reports of a violation of the smoking ban in progress over at Holme, we’re gonna need you to check it out.”

So I strapped on my helmet, jumped on my mountain bike and smashed it (obeyed the relevant speed limits – Eds.) over there!

Sure enough, when I got there, there were some fucking uni students having a cigarette on their own campus! I skidded to a halt, spraying gravel into the eyes of an innocent old lady. No time! Justice must be done!

“Oi, what the fuck?!” I yelled. They looked around, evidently scared and confused. “Excuse me?”, they said, but before they could get another word out I dropped one with my military-issue nightstick (lead-pipe – Eds.) then elbowed the other in the throat. I winded the last guy so badly that he swallowed his cigarette. I took a step back, dusted my hands and rode off, knowing justice had been done.

I’ve gotta say this job was a bit of a step-down for someone with paramilitary training (an orange-belt in Aikido – Eds.). But after I received my dishonorable discharge from RailCorp – honestly, I still don’t get why fracturing a fourteen-year olds eye-socket is that big of a deal if it means he’ll take fare evasion seriously from now on – and what with the police and the army discriminating against me because I’m Muslim (Samir failed both the physical and psychological evaluations, twice – Eds.), I decided that protecting this campus was my true calling.

I’ve already shaken things up a bit at the Security Office with my requests for tear-gas and tasers – let’s see you fuck with us now, you ibis! But I figure, there’s no price too high to pay to ensure that the Vice-Chancellor can walk from his office to his chauffeur-driven car in peace.

I’ve already had some big wins against the anti-social elements of this uni. In my first three days on the job I fined 15 students for riding without helmets: of course, this was after I’d rammed my flashlight into their spokes and taught them a few street smarts.

Sorry, a call just came through on the walkie-talkie: some featherbrain punk’s just been caught littering on the Gadigal Green. Time to go fuck shit up, Samir-style!

And remember: wherever you are, whatever you do, I’m out here and I’m comin’ for you!