Comedy //

Campus Security: Week 2

It was about eleven o’clock in the morning, early August, with the sun shining, and I had a look of hard determination on my face as I patrolled the Quad. The lawns had just been mowed and I was waiting for the groundskeepers to put that rope fence-y thing back up. I scanned the sandstone…

"Shut it grass monkey, I've got bigger fish to fry!" "Shut it grass monkey, I've got bigger fish to fry!"
“Shut it grass monkey, I’ve got bigger fish to fry!”

It was about eleven o’clock in the morning, early August, with the sun shining, and I had a look of hard determination on my face as I patrolled the Quad. The lawns had just been mowed and I was waiting for the groundskeepers to put that rope fence-y thing back up. I scanned the sandstone paths daring someone to try and cut across the grass. “Go ahead, make my day”, I muttered to myself. “What mate?”, said the groundskeeper pushing his roller towards my corner. “Uh, nothing mate, just thinking aloud”. I readjusted my Oakleys and stared down a student who was walking past me. “What’d you say to me, man?”, I asked.

“What? Nothing dude, I’m just running late for a tute.”

“Oh, so you thought you’d just cut across the lawns did ya?”

“No, no–“

“Because you’re not allowed on the grass, you know that right?”

“I’m just going to class…”

“Oh are you now? Well keep it that way.”

I watched him as he shuffled off, daring him to set foot on the grass. As he reached the corner near the Great Hall his foot brushed the side of the lawn. Bad move. “Oi! I said, stay off the grass!” Before he could even turn around I was after him, tearing across the lawn. His eyes lit up with terror and he squealed like a girl. Turning in fear he ran straight through the archway, headed towards Science Rd. Not if I had anything to say about it. “Stop! Campus Security!” I’d have tackled the little shit then and there if it wasn’t for the fucking groundskeeper getting in my way. I barreled straight into him, knocking us both to the ground.

“Oi mate, what the f-“

“Shut it grass monkey, I’ve got bigger fish to fry!”

As I got back up I got one last look at the perp before he rounded the corner.

“You’ve just fuckin’ ruined my lawn you dickbrain,” the groundskeeper yelled.

I silenced him with a single knifehand strike to the side of the neck. Dusting myself off I surveyed the damage. He was right, I’d ripped up the grass pretty bad. “Collateral damage in the name of justice”, I thought to myself, when I saw out of the corner of my eye that the felon had accidentally dropped a piece of paper as he made his escape. A clue. I picked it up. “Foundations of Pharmacy”, it read. This wasn’t over, not by a long way.

Vice Chancellor Michael Spence.

Michael Spence

Michael Spence: the fair controller?

The Vice Chancellor has been in the role for almost a decade; his drive to reshape the University seems to have only grown.