“Indigenous
Comedy //

From the memoirs of Kristen Stewart

Dear Diary, I guess it’s a good thing. All those little tweens screaming my name was so creepy. So I’m pretty glad they all hate me now. I just don’t really understand why. Rob was the perfect beard, we were such a happy ‘couple’, so why did my publicists have to create this shit and…

Kristen-Stewart-Teen-Choice-Awards
Dakota, it’s Kristen. Please don’t… *dial tone*

Dear Diary,

I guess it’s a good thing. All those little tweens screaming my name was so creepy. So I’m pretty glad they all hate me now.

I just don’t really understand why. Rob was the perfect beard, we were such a happy ‘couple’, so why did my publicists have to create this shit and make everyone hate me? I know they said that any publicity is good publicity, I know they said that Rob and I were ‘too comfortable’ and we were slipping from the front pages… but I just don’t get why now. In a few months the last Twilight is out, and then I’ll be all over the front page. It’s not even like there’s anything they need to cover up. Dakota hasn’t answered my calls, and I’m slowly moving on.

It really sucks having to fake all this straight shit. Sometimes I just want to out myself and be done with it. I mean, why hasn’t anyone gotten a clue yet? I have so many pairs of biker boots, plaid shirts, and jeans, and I’ve seen those interviews with Dakota after he Runaways… come on, everyone knows I’m an awful actor, of course those adoring glances aren’t staged!

But I get it, I get it. Lesbian fangirls are worse than tweens. If I come out I have to deal with all the shit Tegan and Sara face, and Ellen Page, and she’s hardly even properly out! So, it’s in the closet I stay. It just sucks though because Rob and I were actually good friends and now we have to pretend that he hates me, and we can’t talk about girls together anymore.

I haven’t had a good lay since Dakota went back to guys. And I can’t meet any girls the normal way because of the fucking gossip and paparazzi shit. I need to star in another lesbian movie. That’s the only way that spending an inordinate amount of time with a female co-star is deemed appropriate. But again, my manager thinks it’s ‘too soon’ since The Runaways. Too soon?! That shit was like two years ago! I haven’t had any decent action since then! That’s not too soon!

And I just spent months cavorting around naked on film with Garrett and Sam in On the Road. And this affair shit, and Twilight! Come on, I look so straight right now!

I dunno. I might try and call Dakota again… I’ll pretend like I need advice for a Twilight premiere outfit…