Top 5 People to Avoid in Hostels

Now that we’re back at university proper let’s reflect on the people we met on our holiday adventures, and the ones we wished we hadn’t

murderer

5. The Lonely Planeteer

Often hunched over a smartphone at the communal table, wiki-travelling the local night-life. The Lonely Planeteer is the AskJeeves of budget accommodation: middle-aged, smug, and supplanted by Google. He will never stop giving you advice. You could tell him that you’ve already made plans but that will only make him abrading and passive-aggressive. Be warned. An excellent trivia companion because we all suck at geography. Relies almost exclusively on the Power of Heart and that explains some things.

4. The One Who Is Looking For A Charger

It may seem like all this backpacker does is linger about your doorway. This isn’t the case. The One Who Is Looking For A Charger lingers about everyone’s doorway. Variants include: The One Who Needs An Adapter, The One Who Needs Batteries, The One Who Was Wondering If He Could Borrow Your Headphones. Please, Man, Come On.

3. The Crooner

Crooners are a mixed bag. Sometimes they’ll be fantastic, and you’ll want to hang out with them more. They’ll take you to cool gigs in basements, and alleys, and shipping containers because they “know the band.” Then there are Crooners who aren’t so great. Bad Crooners chase everyone out of the common room because they keep singing through their nostrils and telling everyone about their dreams. Being nocturnal creatures, you will often find them baked and stumbling around your dorm at 4am in the morning.

2. The Fridge Bandit

Whatever your feelings about the previous three on the list, I think we can all agree that the Fridge Bandit trumps them in unabashed villainy. One imagines that, when not engaged in a contract with Contiki Tours, they engage in extortion and blackmail and tying people to train tracks. The Fridge Bandit will take anything edible—condiments, alcohol, fruit, frozen meat—then feign ignorance when you catch them. “Wait, wait, this was your pizza? Oh, wow, sorry. But you should’ve written your name on it.”

1.The Murderer

The locals will have stories about the place you’re staying at but they’re a superstitious lot—you’ve never believed in any of that stuff. And besides the rates are incredible. The manager is reticent and avoids answering any of your questions. Some nights you hear dull groans from way below and you put it to the plumbing. If you ticked all those boxes and are reading this: congrats. You were the hot one, and you were allowed to escape.

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