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Trip Report: Crystal Meth

George Evans does the meth so you never, ever have to

"A small amount of crystal methamphetamine will last seemingly forever" Source: Wikipedia
“A small amount of crystal methamphetamine will last seemingly forever” Source: Wikipedia

Everyone reading this will have seen one of those ridiculous anti-drug public service announcements at some point in their lives. We all know that “our brain on drugs” is exactly like an egg being fried but more delicious, because if you do drugs you will resort to cannibalism, and also that ecstasy is made in toilets because people mass-producing designer drugs can’t afford bathtubs.

They aren’t all terrible misleading crap though. If you haven’t already seen them, go find Darren Aronofsky’s anti-meth commercials for a rare example of a public service announcement that actually reflects reality. Or if you’re too lazy to do that then just read on for a trip report from someone who tried meth once and had the best of times followed by the worst of times anyone has ever had. It’s a Tale of One Idiot and realistically probably won’t stop anyone who’s already made up their mind about trying meth but whatever.

There are a few different ways to get the drug into your body if that’s what you’re after, but smoking it is the simplest one. There will be no detailed explanation of how exactly to vaporize and inhale meth here because did you really think there would be? Use Ask Jeeves if you really must know for a project.

Exhaling the smoke will be the first sign that shit is about to get unprecedentedly real, because it tastes and feels like absolutely nothing, except maybe breathing out a little bit of your soul, and doesn’t burn or smell. Fun fact: the completely tasteless and odourless nature of methamphetamine vapour means it can be smoked anywhere without arousing suspicion or setting off fire alarms: at home, at work, at the beach, etc.

About ten seconds after exhalation the subject’s frontal cortex is replaced with fireworks and cotton candy. There is no subtlety to the experience: nobody is going to sit around on oriental-style cushions and discuss the relative merits of the dosage. It is immediately disabling. A group of morons smoking it in a hotel room might at this point, hypothetically speaking, drape themselves over any nearby furniture and grin stupidly for an unknown period of time. Dopamine continues to flood the brain for hours after the initial hit, and the initial hit will in no way be the final one.

A small amount of crystal methamphetamine will last seemingly forever: half a gram can keep three people up for 8 hours obsessively disassembling and reassembling small machines and packing and unpacking suitcases. During this time their limbs will feel charged with a mild static electricity and the rest of their bodies will bustle around independent from any conscious direction from the parts of their brain that remain functional and above the pleasure-chemical gulag.
Unfortunately all good times must come to an end though. So gear up for 36 sleepless hours of paranoid schizophrenia-lite when everyone eventually runs out of crystal meth. Super happy good-time symptoms include sweating, shaking, nausea, visual, and auditory hallucinations, heart arrhythmia, and crippling existential terror. If you don’t kill yourself or get arrested, congratulations, you did something catastrophically stupid and lived to be eternally ashamed of the tale. In conclusion folks, I am against recreational crystal methamphetamine use, and I’m not afraid to say it.

Quick Reference Guide: things that one can and cannot do while high as shit on meth

Clean every inch of a hotel room and rearrange the little shampoo bottles in ascending order by size
Reduce a Zippo lighter to a pile of tiny parts with only one’s fingers
Talk about how great meth is

Explain why the shampoo needed to be in that order
Hear footsteps outside the hotel room door without having a panic attack
Talk about anything other than how great meth is

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