Comedy //

Potter fantasy becomes dark arts nightmare

The magical world of Harry Potter becomes a nightmare due to the SU Quidditch Society breaking inviolable rules.

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It was a scene of utter chaos on the Sydney Uni Quidditch pitch this week, as dementors stormed the field shortly after the second quarter of the Gryffindor vs Hufflepuff qualifier, in an event that fans are describing as “the most horrifying thing to happen to Quidditch since Grant Denyer.”

The dementors were summoned by the Ministry of Magic due to the Quidditch Society’s breach of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy. Although the club appealed to the University of Sydney Union to cover up the transgression, the Ministry of Magic soon discovered the public magical activity.

The game was drawn to a complete standstill while the referees went back to the books in this unusual turn of play, finding precedent that the head of the University must remove the dementors in a sweeping low angle shot. Michael Spence was instead brought to the pitch after no one remembered who the Chancellor was, but it was soon discovered that Spence was equally useless when he simply sided with the other soulless creatures occupying the pitch.

Though one liberal arts student collapsed after re-living his traumatic memories of once drinking unethical coffee, not all bystanders were perturbed by the dementors, with an excited Tom Raue spotted attempting to mount the undead.

The dementors also invaded the Merewether Building, but found that all the souls there had already been destroyed.

With play stalling for over ten minutes, and players growing increasingly despondent at the unusually high body count, the next biggest fantasy society was called in to deal with the problem. Unfortunately the EU was too busy sausaging first years, leaving the Costume Society to step up to the plate, and a man dressed as Gandalf soon cleared the dementors away in a scene that can only be described as spectacularly non-canonical.

Play was eventually resumed and Hufflepuff reigned victorious in the last quarter of the match, largely owing to their impressive footwork and the fact that the opposing team was dead.

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