Comedy //

Sex advice from… Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ gets nailed.

jesus christ normal

Let’s face it, we are all looking for our next good nailing. Whether you’re in it for the whip-play or to be adorned with floral wreaths, know that with pleasure there is always immense pain.

I don’t usually get hung up about things, but I am most concerned about a certain practice, which in my experience can be fatal. I feel, though, I have transcended this traumatic experience and must now get the message out to every man with a beard.

I shall be as blunt as the nails embedded in my extremities; DON’T engage in BDSM, even with those you trust, otherwise you might find yourself in public, scantily dressed, and nailed to a vertically wooden bed. You’ll also find yourself calling out for your father, and frankly any immediate familial references turns sex off immediately.

Now, if you do engage in BDSM, agree on a personal safety word. And remember it is surprisingly painful and deliberately slow, but BDSM allows you time to practice pranayama (the transcendent breath) as you increase the time of your breath outwards rather than in, as you scream in ungodly agony.

My final flaccid note: arousal will wear off after three days.

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