Comedy //

Positive Pete’s tips for wooin’ them sheilas

Martin ‘Pete’ Peterson-Dingbat knows how to woo them sheilas

G’Day there, fellas! If you’re looking for some handy tips and tricks to keep that lovely lady you’ve managed to pick up down at the watering hole in check, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve all had trouble knowing where to draw the line when it comes to good old-fashioned chivalry and the post-feminist fallout, but fear not! Modern life, true blue values, and traditionalism have more in common than you’d think. Right-oh, let’s get crackin’ on some classic moves that are sure to melt that broad of yours into butter in no time!

1. Always order for her at a restaurant, no matter what she actually wants to eat.

Let’s face it – blokes know tucker better. Between rump steaks and mashed potatoes to a rack o’ ribs, most Aussie sheilas could use a bit more protein and iron in their diets, especially when you’re getting ready to plant your seeds and get a little Johnno junior growin’ in her oven.

2. Carry her things for her, no matter how much or little she has.

Whether it’s textbooks, a small handbag or a calico bag full of man-hating paperbacks from the community w*m*n*s l*brary, there’s a good chance her weak little arms won’t be able to handle a load like you can. So don’t wait for her to ask for help and just take the lead. This includes dispensing coins and cards from her wallet at your discretion: chicks can’t handle their money so they need you to control their hormonal spending urges while they’re on their monthlies. (But blokes, take note: the only exception here is when she’s buyin’ her lady-nappies; run miles away from that shit, ey!).

3. Introduce her to your mates and always bring her along to your pizza and pool sessions.

Boys, this one’s hard to perfect since the first few sessions are usually plagued with your girl’s annoying squawks about having a turn at pool or a slice of pizza. But you gotta keep ‘em lean and keep ‘em mean: catcalls from your best buddies, as well as the occasional arse-pinch or two will shut her up in no time so that youse two can have some quality time with your mates in peace.

You can thank me at the wedding, brothers.

Vice Chancellor Michael Spence.

Michael Spence

Michael Spence: the fair controller?

The Vice Chancellor has been in the role for almost a decade; his drive to reshape the University seems to have only grown.