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Researchers find cure for homophobia

Groundbreaking research published by the Smithsonian Institute this week has proved the existence of the Bigotrus Assholus virus, known in layspeak as the ‘Common Cold-heartedness’.


The virus first rose to prominence in the 18th century following the pandemic mass-outing of individuals who found the idea of homosexuality unsettling. The continued existence of these individuals, since named ‘homophobes’, is at the heart of countless instances of hate speech, violence, and mental health issues affecting at least 10% of the population, making it a serious public health issue.

Dr Lenny Wong, the head scientist conducting the series of experiments into the psyches of this increasingly dwindling minority, said that this research was “Just a step to the left, without a step to the riiiiiiiight,” before breaking out into a musical number denouncing the defective genome which causes homophobia.

This revolutionary finding has implications for the future of homophobes worldwide since it marks a turning point in the potential evolution of some homosapien brains. Following the publication of this research, a cure is currently being developed which may result in the end of playground bullying, the dire need for autonomous spaces, and years of counselling following familial disownment.

Fred*, who came out as a homophobe in 2010, said “Knowing that a cure is being developed to treat my abhorrent social deviationism gives me hope that I might soon be allowed to develop a sense of humanity.”

“I’m sick of walking down the street feeling like everyone’s judging me for something out of my control,” he said. “and maybe this will stop people from asking me whether I know that I am truly a homophobe since I’ve never been a non-homophobe.”

Dr Wong is optimistic about the swift development of a cure.

“It’s not their fault that they’re bigoted,” Wong said. “They were born that way.”

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