Top 5 ridiculous USU candidate promises

This shit actually happened, writes Mariana Podesta-Diverio

5) – (2013) Hermann’s beer garden

Shit, did they move it? Is this a policy to get it back? Hang on, I’ll check. Yes, the beer garden still there. Long live the existent beer garden. Long live.

 4) – (2009) Karaoke at Hermann’s

The only thing worse that dealing with drunken peers singing karaoke is having to do so when seeking on-campus refuge from unintelligible atonal screeches and educational things other than lectures. The difference between off-campus karaoke and on-campus karaoke is a decidedly higher rate of pretentious enunciation potentially emerging from Hermann’s student punters bellowing best-forgotten hits from years past. This could also lead to an exacerbation of uni pub patronage by ‘you don’t even go here’-ites.

3) – (2009) College-specific ACCESS cards with special benefits

Underprivileged college students could always use a helping hand to enable a more comfortable ride through university life, so what better way to provide discounts on food and drink, enable club and society membership, and subsidise participation in campus social activities than to provide more discounts, enable more club membership and subsidise more social activities for the select few unfortunate enough to reside on campus, have every meal catered and live a stone’s thrown from a range of inexpensive meal options?

2) – (Every year, ever) Moonlight Cinema

Clearly it’s not enough that we’re in comfortable walking distance of a Dendy and a Hoyts. Clearly it’s not enough that various clubs and societies regularly have movie nights in ISL and Holme, both conveniently on campus. Clearly it’s not enough that some of these clubs utilise a projector at Hermann’s, an indoor and sensible venue, shielded from the elements and boasting nearby food and drink vendors. Clearly. Why do people keep running with this on their platform? Nights are cold and there are bugs outside.

1) – (2009) Rickshaws on campus

That’s right, rickshaws to take you from point A to B on campus. For the unaware, this iconic mode of urban transport first popularised in Asian cities in the mid-1800s involves a cart with wheels and a seat that is pulled along by a person on foot. This impractical and absurd policy reeks of ignorant populism. Remarkably, it remains a diamond in the rough of similarly ridiculous USU board candidate policies.