In a shock announcement following the implementation of mandatory filters on internet pornography in the UK, David Cameron has moved to ban the sale of Kleenex tissues and Vaseline to males under the age of 18.
“Blocking pornography was an important first step,” Cameron said, “but we need to go further, you can’t stop masturbation with an internet filter alone.”
“This isn’t about censorship or restricting freedom,” Cameron added, “though if that’s the case I don’t really know what it is about – oh yeah, something something corroding childhood.”
Cameron’s new policies have been roundly criticised by civil rights activists, who have variously labelled him a “wanker” and a “right jerk off”.
The Prime Minister elicited more sympathy from Stephen Conroy, but by the time he was prepared to comment Mr Conroy had lost his position in the Labor ministry, and was err… on the other side of the world and completely irrelevant.