Comedy //

Exclusive: Rudd can’t actually speak Mandarin, just racistly imitating the Chinese this entire time

Kevin Rudd revealed as pretty racist, actually

Kevin-Rudd-with-Mandarin-Interpreter-a-tough-gig copy


Unbeknownst until now to most Australians, Rudd’s ability to speak Mandarin has been exposed for what it is: a cruel lampooning. Social analyst Robert explains, “people ask why non-Mandarin speaking Australians didn’t find this out sooner from their Mandarin friends. When our Mandarin friends would say things like Rudd is ‘cruel, insensitive, and he should be afraid of those who could take revenge on him,’ we just thought they were talking about his treatment of Julia Gillard. We should have seen it coming with the ‘Rudd is a Happy Little Vegemite’ YouTube clip, as sources indicate that he gets very frustrated when he can’t get his racist impressions just right.”

This exposure has equally turned Parliament on its head. “There are some things that politicians claim about themselves that you just expect not be true, like Julie Bishop saying she’s a natural blonde or Wayne Swan saying he can run an economy efficiently. But this has knocked everyone completely for six.” A Rudd staffer, who wishes to remain anonymous, told The Soin.

It has been reported that Rudd would taunt Finance Minister Penny Wong with similar racial intolerance within the halls of Parliament. “He used to pull his eyes back with his fingers every time he walked past, and would replace my pens with chopsticks. He often would do his Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s impersonation to me during Cabinet meetings, while forcing me to wear a paddy hat. The only way I could ever survive it was thinking, ‘Well, at least he treats me better than his staffers’.” Wong said, breaking during an ABC Radio National interview this morning.

Other claims of racism have slowly been coming out the woodwork ever since Rudd’s anti-Chinese sentiment had been revealed. An Indigenous leader, wishing to remain anonymous, claims, “Rudd’s day where he said ‘Sorry’ was actually deeply sarcastic. He should have said ‘we apologise’, as the phonetic equivalent of hissorry speech in Cadigal actually means ‘what a shitty dot painting, cunt. Your Corroboree dancing looks stupid!’ We just didn’t want to mention it before because all you white people seemed so excited and smug about it.”

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott has publicly condemned Rudd’s behaviour. “This treatment of a minority in Australia is something that I, as all Australians should, absolutely abhor. It is a fact that a lot of Chinese are straight and male, and cannot stand to see them as such discriminated against.”

It is clear that Abbott is showing support for Chinese voters as Rudd’s popularity amongst them is practically non-existent, which a prediction that inner-city seats with a high Chinese population will vote Liberal. “Courting the Chinese-Australian vote is perfect for the Liberal Party this election, as they have two positive platforms to offer the Chinese – their leader doesn’t mercilessly imitate them, and also they want to build a shitload more casinos for them.”

The leak has had unexpected results in the polls, with Rudd’s popularity soaring within the more regional electorates. Alex Simpkin, a tradesman from Blacktown commented, “I think that his overt racism will really get him over the line this election, in the same way that his visit to a strip club got him over the line for the last election.”

Reports has come in that China will launch a full-scale ground invasion of Australia, earning military support from North Korea and Indonesia as well after the Chinese Communist Party and other Asian political bodies finally had enough of PM Rudd’s grossly insulting imitation of their race. “A complete take-over by an Asian Alliance and a racial-revenge-based enslavement all non-Asian Australians could really hurt Rudd’s election chances.” The Soin’s political analyst has reported.