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SOIN EXCLUSIVE: See ya, bitches!

Abbott Plans to Reduce Population of Women to Make His Cabinet More Representative

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“Australia is a representative democracy. A place where everyone has a fair go and our Parliament represents the people. I am disappointed that only 5% of my cabinet is female, whereas 50% of the population is female. The problem is now very clear to me – the female population of Australia is way too high,” Prime Minister Abbott began his press conference today in Parliament House.

“The plan to enact this is just like all other Coalition policies: economic, efficient, and incredibly oversimplified. It will work in tandem with our Paid Parental Leave Scheme – now to be renamed ‘Paid Parental Leave the Country Scheme’.  44.5% of Australian women will now be housed with residency and citizenship in nearby foreign nations such as Indonesia. They’ll be cool with that, right? Eh, just write it up, I’m sure they’ll be fine with it. Another foolproof Coalition solution!” PM Abbott went on to say, high fiving the sheepish-looking Hon. Julie Bishop.

“All the women in my Cabinet will stay in Australia, of course. Women have a very important space in my cabinet. There’s Julie Bishop – or ‘Lookin’ fine, Toots’ as she’s known around the office – in my Parliamentary Cabinet, my wife and not bad-looking daughters drowning their sorrows in my liquor cabinet, and I’m fairly sure Annabelle Crabb is still in Kitchen Cabinet – the door is quite hard to find.”

“With a lower population of women in Australia some may cry bigotry, but many women hold new and very powerful portfolios within the ministry – Fiona Scott is now in the new position of Minister for Sex Appeal, and Kelly O’Dwyer has taken the new portfolio of Minister of ‘Women’s Issues’ (with monthly parliamentary reports).”

There has been some anxiety within the Coalition team as to whether the idea will be palatable to the voters. “We’ve found a perfect way to pander to the Right and the Left by exploiting each of their hatred for certain females within our population. Therefore, the first two to go will be Catherine Deveny and Sophie Mirabella,” PM Abbott concluded.

“I am not, not against women.  Women in Australia have a position: missionary.”

 

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