When it comes to relationships on Facebook, it’s not all that complicated, writes Thomas Murphy.

Let me begin by saying: I’m in a relationship, but my boyfriend and I aren’t in a relationship on Facebook. We’re just in a relationship in real life. Our real friends know that we’re in a real relationship. If some of my Facebook friends don’t know that I’m in a relationship, then they aren’t real friends.

Nor do I contact my boyfriend explicitly on Facebook. Maybe a link to an interesting article or video, but very infrequently. Why? Because how you express yourself on social media is essentially public, that’s why it’s social. Something that you put on social media should only be something that you would be willing yell in all directions, standing in the middle of a crowd (minus the mental instability that is normally associated with that act). Therefore, you should probably only be saying things on Facebook to your partner that you would willingly say amongst and also to your friends. No one likes the couple that just sits in the corner at a house party and plays with each other hair (that’s a thing, right?). In that case, you probably shouldn’t be doing the same thing online.

And why would you bother being cutesy on Facebook or Twitter anyway? You don’t get the joy of having the physical intimacy with them as well, just a pale comparison, trying to be compensated by scattering emoticons. If you want to do PDAs, it needs to be with footsies, eskimo kisses and any other physical act so sickly sweet it would make even a Japanese Girl Group blush. Don’t do anything by halves, save your PDAs for the real world.

Aren’t there enough forms of communication for you to contact your significant other? Aside from seeing them in person, texting, Skyping, calling, FaceTiming, do you also have to tweet, Facebook, Instagram or reblog their tumblr?

In saying this, though, the best way to keep your relationship fresh is to snapchat your partner. Turn the dial up to 10 seconds if you’re feeling really adventurous. Just make sure you send it to the right person.

And definitely don’t contact your partner via Grindr.

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