I recently bought myself a vibrator off the internet because I was drunk and wanted an orgasm. It arrived a few days later. I got my boyfriend to help me figure out how to operate it and I used it for the first time a few days later, while watching Game of Thrones. I read on the Internet while idly Googling that you know if you’ve had an orgasm, and that it feels a bit like needing to go to the toilet. I think I know that I had an orgasm with my vibrator the second time I used it and a few times subsequent but because I only think I know I’m not really sure. All I can be sure of is that it felt way better than sex does and that I feel gipped that my boyfriend cums every time we have sex but that I never do. It’s not because he’s inattentive (he’s the opposite), I think it’s just me. The porn doesn’t make me feel better about this situation because the woman cums three times, but I’ll get to that later.
That is all by the by, because this article is about my experience as a female in her early twenties watching porn for the first time. As I write it, I’m drunk on my bed with a just-used vibrator next to me wearing quite a conservative dress but no underpants. I’ve just snapchatted a picture of my vibrator sitting on a computer to my friend because I wanted to not write this thing. I’m listening to Tracy Chapman’s ‘Fast Car’ over and over again.
My friend picked the video for me. It lasts 33 minutes and 45 seconds, which is far longer than I expected. It’s a stellar bit of interracial pornography hosted by youjizz.com and featuring an actress by my mother’s name. When I texted her to let her know she shared her name with a porn star, she replied: “That was me a couple of years ago.” It was funny, but also quite weird because it means I’m thinking of her as I watch the video. I wonder what the actress’ mother would think if she saw her daughter baying like a cow as she gets fucked for half an hour by a giant black dick. I also think about how my mother would feel if she was watching me watch this film – either appalled or amused, but I can’t decide which.
The plot is simple. Woman applies for job as secretary, interview proceeds with innuendo for a few minutes, man puts hand on woman’s thigh, oral sex, then penetrative sex, but thankfully no anal. Then she tells him she wants the job so she can fuck him every day. This raises a few concerns about the patriarchy but nothing really new, so I’m not overly distracted.
Halfway through I’m watching but pausing every now and then to check Facebook, because it’s pretty dull. I decide to try to get more actively involved, so I take off my underpants and get out my vibrator. I try to sync the vibrations of the clitoris-stimulator bit of the vibrator with the man’s thrusts. I’m getting more excited, but I think it’s just solely due to the vibrator. The porn simply isn’t that interesting. In fact, the prospect of having sex with a penis that size is frankly terrifying. And some of the positions look like you could only do them comfortably after going to the gym consistently for a while. The guy also has a PhD – pretty huge dick! I know that if I were in her position my vagina would be aching and raw and that I’d be worried about having my internal organs ruptured. I also just don’t find the sight of sex organs that appealing. At one stage, the camera lingers on her anatomy. Her gaping vagina looked like Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’. I’m also worried that no one suggested using protections, which makes me pleased that I’ve internalised the dangers of STDs.
I’m watching this the same week that I saw the Sydney Theatre Company’s production of Romeo and Juliet, a play which is related to the reason I have never watched porn before. I always thought that my love of Shakespeare, Austen and Richard Curtis had given me unrealistic expectations of romance, and that porn would subtly alter my expectations of the choreography of sex – and then my interactions with the opposite sex would be permanently ruined and inauthentic. Perhaps this might have been the case if I’d started watching porn before I’d started having sex, but I have a few long-term relationships under my belt and at the moment I probably have sex about ten times a week. It’s just too late for my sex life to be ruined. In fact, watching it is probably good for me, as I now have a few good tips on how to deliver a pleasing blow job.
I’d expected to have more feminist objections to it than I do. I feel sorry for the man, who starts off wearing a burgundy velvet jacket. After his first few lines of dialogue his face leaves the screen, and then he’s just about the penis. He mumbles his lines so his character remains inchoate. The woman, on the other hand, does most of the talking (mostly about her pussy but occasionally about the job she’s applied for), and develops as a character simply because we see her face for most of the film. Perhaps this is so a heterosexual man can objectify her more easily, but I just find myself connecting with her. What’s more, while she goes down on him a few times, he also gives her oral sex and she constantly rubs her clitoris, and it’s not like female pleasure is completely absent. In fact, as I already said, she cums a lot, and the poor guy just takes forever to cum.
The capitalist in me wants to buy a camera and start making porn. I don’t know where I’d find a guy with a penis that big but otherwise the materials are easy to source and the production costs are low. Sex sells. The anti-capitalist in me sees the film’s plot as an example of how capitalism exploits women, and I worry that porn probably features a disproportionate amount of low-SES actors.
Overwhelmingly, the video remains boring, even when everything is climaxing. I would honestly much rather sit on Facebook, pressing refresh, than watch more stuff like this. I think Game of Thrones is more titillating. I’m torn between two interpretations: I’m just not that sexual a human, or the sex I have is just way better than this weird “this tight pink pussy has been a very bad pussy” shit. I know I’ve already said that I don’t orgasm during sex but I still enjoy it. I don’t need to feel bad about myself just because I don’t like a stupid video. Only once have I had sex with someone who was basically a stranger, and I can’t really remember it – the other times have been with people I was either in love with or affectionate towards. Sex that doesn’t end with a whispered “I love you” is alien to me and seems more like an exercise in endurance than a fun activity. I would never ask someone to cum on my glasses. For one, I don’t wear any so that would just be my eyes, but I’d also just rather my partner cum inside me. There’s something beautiful about that.