Jupiter has aligned itself with space junk which means this week you’re probably going to die.
Have you got too much on your hands at the moment? Fur? Claws? You’re a lion. You can’t read.
You’re probably feeling stressed at work this week. You’re likely to find that most people hate you.
Is your head feeling cloudy? Maybe that’s the toxic level of CO2 in the atmosphere … also Saturn.
You might come to the realisation that you should cook blue meth this month. This will go on for five seasons until you die.
Relationship trouble? Consider killing your significant other. The world is overpopulated and the divorce rate is cruising at a steady 98% anyway.
You are a classic Tory. If you want to spice things up and try something new in the bedroom, why not try screwing the poor?
If you’re having financial troubles this week that’s probably because the globe never recovered from the recession and there is no money left anywhere.
Do you take advice seriously from ambiguous and anonymous sources? You need to do some serious thinking and make some better life decisions this week.
You will draw revitalising energy from the planets this week; Uranus, for instance, is a source of great and powerful gases.
Charon is rotating around Nix and moving towards Kerberos. Makemake will collide with Eris. There is a chance I am making this all up.