The Dean of Sydney University’s Law School Joellen Riley has eased her hardline stance on a recent controversial exam, promising today a second shot for students willing to “beg like they really mean it”. Following an interrupted and arguably tainted Corporations Law examination last week, Riley was less than sympathetic towards those who felt prejudiced by the unfortunate circumstances. However, in a compromise no doubt influenced by unforeseeable media attention, the Dean is now pledging reassessment to any student willing to “cry like a little bitch” on their knees in her office.
“Fine,” the Law School head conceded in a press conference this morning, “you want another exam? Prove it. I want to see tears, lots of tears.” Riley indicated that this opportunity would not be doled out willy nilly, and only those who truly debased themselves at her feet would even be considered.
“As the Dean it is not only my job to make the big decisions,” she said, “but also to contemptuously mock those students who are concerned about succeeding. In keeping with this policy, and in case anybody forgot who runs the show around here, the alternative test will be reserved for only the most shameful and degrading performances, I’m thinking really sick stuff here folks. And given Sydney University’s long history of excellence, we could expect no less.” Riley explained the extent of the anguish she considered “sufficient”: “I’m not saying students have to shit themselves in a fit of nervous desperation, but I’m also not saying that would necessarily be a bad idea.”
NB. This article is satirical.