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UN: Triple J Hottest 100 Results Prove Democracy Untenable

John Gooding reports on the ongoing crisis.

Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-Moon has declared the democratic process a “failed experiment” after Royals by pop sensation Lorde inexplicably failed to win the Triple J Hottest 100 poll.

At a hurriedly organised media conference in New York following the result Ban urged member states to begin transitioning to alternative forms of government as quickly as possible. “Tonight the Australian people have shown once and for all that democratic elections are a political aberration,” he said. “It is with a heavy heart that we say the time has come to abandon them and seek greener pastures. In the interests of their citizenry I personally encourage all the nations of the world to begin this process at once.”

“I mean seriously, Riptide?” he added.

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott welcomed the UN’s change in position. “First the people of Australia elect me, and now this,” Abbott said at an emergency session of parliament yesterday morning. “The fact that a group of thinking, feeling people could somehow prefer Riptide to Lorde’s exquisite masterpiece is the final nail in the coffin. Honestly, I hadn’t even heard of this Lance Vance guy until his bloody song is on the radio at number one. Clearly the time has come to install a benevolent dictatorship.”

Despite the worldwide condemnation, Triple J management have defended both the poll and the results. “Look, it’s a bit of an upset, but that happens from time to time,” station director Andrea Vasquez told Honi Soit. “We have always held our passion for entrusting the Australian people with the power to determine what songs they like the most as the grounding ethos of our organisation, and we will continue to do so in the indefinite future.” What will become of Triple J after the revolution is unclear.

Rumblings about the effectiveness of democracy as model of political authority first began when the 2010 poll was won by Angus and Julia Stone’s Big Jet Plane, which has dated like a sack of potatoes and is objectively the worst song ever.

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