Comedy //

Chargaret and Naavid Review: The March in March from the Window of Railway Square Mcdonald’s

Charlie O’Grady and Naaman Zhou marched for medium McValue meals.


[An urban street. A McDonald’s.


Charlie sits at the table, eating. He coughs. He is sick.

Naaman glances fruitlessly at the menu.

Enter parade.]

N: What’s a Mega-Mac?

C: I don’t know.

N: Is it two Macs in one?

C: Probably more than that. It has like four meats? It’s disgusting.

N: I want one.

[Two minutes pass]

C: Those are some nice placards. Is that a baby?

N: Yeah there’s a baby in that stroller. Also a lot of dogs.

C: I’m finding this really interesting in that there’s such a diverse range of things people are angry about, but they’re all kind of united by this “Not In My Name” thing? It’s really neat. I mean you’ve got people for marriage equality and asylum seeker rights and then, like, #baby’sfirstprotest here.

N: The dogs aren’t in the stroller though. That would be insane.

C: It’s genuinely kind of boggling to think that this many people hate the prime minister. I mean not when you consider how much of a massive douche-canoe he is. But it’s really quite impressive to see so many people in this conversation. Like, when was the last time this much of the Australian public agreed on a thing?

N: Guy Sebastian.


No, John Howard. I love how we’ve all forgotten how much everyone hated him, how crazy-passionate the left got. How fucking long he was around for. Just because we’ve had six years of Labor government people think they’ve invented hate. Pretty sure my formative years were coloured by a fiercer sense of anger, like from the uterus.

C: How long was even he a thing for?

N: Eleven years – he’s not dead.

C: But the fact that it didn’t really change the first time wouldn’t necessarily make getting angry about it this time futile, or less valuable. I think there’s a certain amount of political rage that’s healthy for a democracy?

N: I wish he was dead.

C: A lot of these people don’t… actually have a specific reason to be protesting Abbott anyway. Like that guy’s placard just says “BOO-URNS.” That guy’s dressed as a shark.

N: How dare you badmouth them.

C: No but I’m saying there are people here who don’t-


C: necessarily have to be? They’re just people who concur that Abbott shouldn’t be allowed to do dumb shit in the name of their country.

[Pause as women in Elizabethan garments march past.]

N: I know so many people in this march.

C: Oh I saw that woman on the train on the way here, that lady with the red hair.

N: That’s a hat.

C: It’s not a hat, you stupid piece of shit.

N: Have you noticed this is a really white march?

C: Yeah that’s true, points off for that.

N: It’s whiter than that time I went to Mosman.

C: We should write about this. We’re getting to the point where people are just walking now, though.

N: Weren’t they walking before?

C: Look at that unicorn stabbing Tony Abbott. Look at it. It’s a unicorn stabbing him. That’s the best one. This march definitely gets bonus points for creativity.

N: Fuck that’s great. Stabbing is good.

C: [reading a placard] “Healthcare not spy planes”–aren’t spy planes an Obama thing? Is Abbott even spying on people? When was Abbott having spy planes ever a thing, I’m so confused.

N: Yeah that’s blatantly not a thing. He has no spy planes. Did they actually just import that placard from the US?

C: Like if you’re going to protest, you should probably know… what you’re actually protesting? Otherwise it’s all meaningless. I mean as much as creativity is great, it has no effect without an actual argument behind it.

N: Needs more sharks to be honest.

C: Oh but look at that dog, it’s so cute I wanna eat it. Put that in the thing.

N: Ok. But it’s racist if you attribute it to me.

C: I didn’t even remember this was on today. Are we just really politically ignorant?

N: Well you are.

C: Where is Godot?

N: I don’t know.

CONCLUSION: The March in March: 7.5 stabbing unicorns out of 10.