Comedy //

O’Farrell Replaces Judicial System With Channel Seven Re-Enactments

Luca Moretti is in mourning for Today Tonight.

Barry O'Farrell. (Image: CeBIT Australia, via Flickr)

In a move already being described by Young Liberals as “visionary”, NSW Premier Barry O’Farrell has axed one of the sacred cows of civil society. The outstanding journalism and production values of Sunday Night’s Simon Gittany special have persuaded the Premier to do away with the judicial system entirely.

O’Farrell remarked yesterday: “For too long our criminal justice system seems to have been designed for the benefit of criminals. From now on the requirement of evidence, with its clear bias towards perpetrators, will be eschewed in favour of interviews with the accused’s girlfriend.”

Honey Soy understands that “beyond reasonable doubt’” will now be defined as: “according to the gut feeling of 51 per cent of viewers”. O’Farrell particularly criticised the elitism of the state’s existing judges and their failure to represent Australia’s ethnic diversity, pointing out that commercial television was perfectly placed to remedy this problem.

“I look forward to having judges who recognise victims’ rights, and effectively villainise – sorry – prosecute criminals. Unless of course those criminals have been convicted by people with differently coloured skin, in which case Channel Seven will do almost anything to enrich that criminal to the tune of several million dollars.”

Of course some elements of the legal system will remain; the hierarchy of the courts will continue, with the exception that Kochie will now be the final tribunal of appeal. Mandated ages of retirement for judges will also continue to apply – 70 for men and 36 for women (42 with facelift).