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Promising “No Wimps” On Border Security, Abbott Replaces Morrison With Kony

Peter Walsh and Dominic Ellis are real men.


After revealing that Minister for Immigration and Border Protection Scott Morrison was a “devoted wine connoisseur” who never represented his private school in first grade sport, Tony Abbott decided to remove the “wimpy bastard” and replace him with someone who could “get the job done”, namely Joseph Kony.

Before being appointed to the Border Security portfolio, Kony had established himself as leader of Uganda’s Lord’s Resistance Army. In a brief press conference, he thanked his child bride for her support in the four years since she graduated kindergarten, and promptly promised to “remove once and for all any doubt that Manus Island isn’t a concentration camp”.

Kony, the presumptive Australian of the Year once he naturalises, was in a jovial mood, and remarked on his love of our beaches, hoping that they might be defended from the unprivileged. He also said: “Go Essendon”. Asked about the appointment, Opposition leader Bill Shorten responded: “We all know Morrison is a wimp, but aren’t Kony jokes a bit outdated?”