Culture //

Welcome back, fuckers!

Adam Disney introduces you to some of the finest characters on campus.


Hello friends! It’s great to see you, and I really mean that! How was the holiday? I want pictures! Did you – hold on now, I see some new faces, or should I say new friends.  Don’t be shy, step forward and say hello. This campus is all about inclusion and I won’t stop until you feel welcome, so let me infotain you with some fun tips for getting acquainted with your new home.

Getting there can be a chore when it comes to USyd, so it’s always good to brush up on your access points. For those catching the bus, congratulations! Those catching trains however had better stay wise if they’re getting out at Redfern. For your safety, police frequently descend upon Redfern station with hounds in tow, so those thinking of bringing some ‘goof juice’ in their backpack would be advised to stay alert. Under popular reforms introduced by NSW CEO Barry O’Farrell, law enforcement officials may legally disembowel anyone who disobeys a ‘Shut Up And Take It’ request made pursuant to s 7(2)(a) of the Fuck You Act 2012.

But you’ve gotten this far, so it’s time to talk O-Week. O-Week is that wonderful time of year when first-years sign up for twenty societies whose meetings they will never attend and energy drink manufacturers get rid of all their expired stock. Just so you know, those interested in hanging out with the perky kids from Subski and Cargo Bar should be advised that brunettes need not apply.

After settling into campus life, you might start to notice law students. They can be recognised by their symmetrical features and bloated résumés. Before you engage with them, it’s important to be know which variety you’re dealing with. If a reference to boat-stopping evinces blank stares, you ‘re dealing with an apolitical crammer – you’re fine so long as your average grade is lower than theirs. Young Libs are a different beast. They’re the overly-smiley ones who wear suits on campus because later they’ve got a ‘job interview’ (read: Model UN function). Wink knowingly when they say how ‘totally into’ gay marriage they are. If in doubt, congratulate them on their UAI and they’ll like you.

What’s that? No, silly – this is no sleepover! The student walking in late looking ready for bed is a college kid. Colleges are age-old institutions that allow large amounts of land to be used by disproportionately small groups of people. College kids engage in a wide range of activities including: drinking, talking about drinking, recovering from a night of drinking, and wearing tuxedos while drinking. Not your thing? Don’t worry – as long as you’re not wearing black footy shorts and a Bintang singlet, they will recognise you as a ‘normie’ and proceed to studiously ignore you.

Here’s something you can’t ignore – those tunes! Prepare to ‘rock out’ (enjoy yourself) with the long haired guy holding a guitar but no guitar-case, because like it or not, he and his friends have already sat down on the lawns next to you. Don’t be bewildered, he hasn’t forgotten something – his guitar doesn’t actually need a case because it is a prop, and seldom used.

If you stick around for a few months, you might hear the siren song of the political hack. Clustered and colourful at strategic campus choke points, these bastions of democracy are here to climb ladders and make you hate democracy. Twice yearly, you’ll enjoy two weeks of walking faster and desperately ignoring these budding leaders as they promise bland change and fresh amenities. For your convenience, they are required by statute to wear horrendous t-shirts bearing a meaningless catchphrase. If unsure whether hack or human, try this simple test: mention the ongoing elections – if they immediately make a joke about all the ‘hacks’, then they are a hack, and be sure to flee.

I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t address Honi Soit. Sure, those editors may look clean-cut with their neat haircuts and jokey eyebrow raising, but I have never before chanced on such a lawless gang of degenerate creeps. Beware, I’ve personally witnessed four of them kicking a nun down a flight of stairs and I have it on good authority that they’re very fond of bestiality. New friends would do well to squint heavily while reading this publication, and never believe anything published on page 18 of this paper.

That’s it! That’s all I’ve got – from here on out you’re on your own, buddy. This campus can be a dangerous place, and you’ll spend every second here fending off cheap hustlers bent on ratfink treachery, but rest assured that there is always hope. If you can remember to always keep two eyes on the prize and a third on the fire escape, I reckon you just might make it.

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