Comedy //

Woman Actually Tries Cosmo Sex Moves, Accidentally Breaks Partner’s Penis

Sarah Mourney sometimes utilises staplers in her sex life.

cosmo sex moves

cosmo sex moves

Last Monday a man was sent to hospital for severe injuries sustained from sexual intercourse. When trying to explain how a donut was involved in the incident he accused the magazine Cosmopolitan, saying: “Ask the f—ing editors at that f—ing poor excuse of print media that propagates ridiculous beauty and sex standards”.

From what his partner Alicia* revealed, it appears things went sour after attempting a “shark attacking” where the man crawls on all-fours but with his belly up, “his erect ‘dorsal fin’ navigating the way to sexual nirvana” (description from Cosmo).

They somehow avoided injury during the “erotic accordion”, Alicia attributed her success to spin class as “it gave me killer thighs”. The danger escalated as the couple progressed to the “torrid tug-of-war”. The pair decided to add a chocolate donut into the mix, and in the crumbed confusion, a penis was snapped due to excessive tugging.

The National Health Advisory Board is now warning all people to avoid any Cosmo sex moves “that look like a training exercise for contortionists”. Cosmo’s only response to the incident was to wish the man a full recovery, and to recommend using a cinnamon glazed donut next time.

*Name changed for privacy reasons.

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