Comedy //

Abbott Declares Poor Australians ‘Peasants’

Ed McMahon has a pen full of pig shit.

Abbott Castle

Prime Minister Tony Abbott last week announced measures designed to clarify contemporary Australian demographics. Speaking from Government House, Abbott announced that so-called “Australians from low socioeconomic backgrounds” would be assigned a new classification. “The new system will assign the destitute to the membership of the peasantry,” Abbott said. “The people of Her Majesty’s Australian realm are sick and tired of Labor’s lies about equality. Some people are just better than others.” Abbott refused to answer questions after the announcement, stating that journalists should know their place, before riding away in his new gold-trimmed, horse-drawn government buggy.

Abbott rejected Opposition Leader Bill Shorten’s suggestion that the measures are anachronistic. “This government acknowledges the diversity of modern Australia by distinguishing between the hopelessly wretched and their various betters,” he said. Shorten was prevented from asking a follow-up question when the Speaker, Dame Bronwyn Bishop, fired an arrow into the Opposition Despatch Box.

Peasants are to be treated in much the same way as they presently are by Centrelink. However, they are to be afforded a new level of disdain from knights, dames, and the political aristocracy. Honey Soy understands that the Prime Minister’s office is drafting a decree outlining the obligations of peasants. Peasants will likely be required to grovel to their natural superiors, and throw their bodies to the ground to form a bridge when a Dame wishes to traverse a muddy puddle.

The announcement garnered mixed reactions. Terrowin, an urchin student from Forrest Lodge said, “I reckon milords have made the right call. Tony will make an Australia where a white male like meself can graduate from the Newserf allowance to knighthood within decades.” Ysmay, a checkout attendant from Marrickville disagreed saying, “I got three hungry mouths to feed and a pen full of pig shit to cart to Petersham. I just don’t think this announcement helps me do that.”