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Breaking: Abbott Stands Down Following Small Student Rally

Cameron Smith stood alone at the pickets.

Image: Jay Ng.
Image: Jay Ng.
Image: Jay Ng.

Not even the most optimistic of political dissidents foresaw the dramatic turn of events that was to take place late yesterday, with Prime Minister Tony Abbott standing down as head of the Liberal party in response to a small student protest at Sydney University. The rally, catchily dubbed ‘The National Day of Action Against Tertiary Education Cuts By Abbott and/or Pyne (*not associated with the National Day of Action Against Bullying happening two days before this event)’ is said to have been one of the largest student protests in years. It amassed almost 80 disgruntled protesters to a small park in central Sydney, a mere 300km north of the nation’s parliament.

“We never in our wildest dreams imagined that this protest would actually accomplish this, or anything for that matter,” said a shocked participant found eating her lunch on the merging lane of Parramatta Road. “At most I’d hoped to get a cool Facebook banner out of it, maybe get a libelous mention in the Murdoch press, but having the Prime Minister step down is pretty good too I guess. It’s a pity though, I’d already organised another 50 protests this month, from ‘Abbott get your hands off the ABC’ to ‘Abbott stop saying umm every second word’ to ‘No Abbott, we don’t want your negativity’, it’s a shame that we’ll have to call them off in light of our accidental success. Really, that man’s been the best thing to ever happen to the rally movement. We’re going to miss him. We’re already organising a ‘Come back Abbott’ rally for later this week.”

The shock resignation is said to have come after the Prime Minister caught sight of a protest sign in a copy of the Daily Telegraph reading “Tony Abbott, more like Tony A-butt!”, a play on the fact that Mr Abbott’s name can be misspelled and hyphenated.

“In the face of such cutting and witty criticism, I couldn’t help but re-evaluate my entire political outlook,” said Tony in a candid interview with his second least favorite red-head Leigh Sales on the 7:30 Report last night. “It was at that moment I said wait, they’re right, my flagrant breaching of the convention of international law through mistreatment of people fleeing persecution in their home countries really is completely unjustifiable by any ethical measure. That sign really opened my eyes.”

But this revelation was just the beginning, with Tony saying he had completely re-evaluated his political stance in the days that followed. He even went so far as to switch off the lights in Parliament House during Earth Hour, much to the horror of the touring schoolgroups at the time.

“The problem is I surrounded myself with yes men,” said Tony during his final speech in Question Time. “And I mean yes men because there’s more sausage in this government than a german supermarket. I mean, I seriously made myself Minister for Women? Man what was I on?” Abbott chuckled, before being ejected from the parliament by Bronwyn Bishop for laughing.

Stepping outside to finish his concession speech, Mr Abbott continued to rally against himself exclaiming, “What the hell is wrong with you people, you seriously voted for me!? I mean Jesus, look at my track record with women’s rights alone. Considering I got 53 per cent of the two party preferred vote, at least eight per cent of women must be masochists. And don’t think I haven’t been looking into what else I’ve been up to since I came into power! I mean, did you know apparently I approved dumping waste on the Barrier Reef AND I removed world heritage listing from Tasmanian forests within a month of being elected? And that I was planning to pass laws to allow hate speech? Hate speech!? I even approved stealing incriminating evidence from a court proceeding against the government! And holy hell, look at these warnings from the UN about how the world’s about to end! This is insane why didn’t anybody stop me!?”

However the change of heart has not been a complete turnaround for Mr Abbott, with the former Prime Minister still convinced the country should remain the only English speaking nation still outlawing same-sex marriage. “It’s just an issue I feel strongly about,” said Mr Abbott. “Not only does it provide us with a rich historical artifact that few other modern countries can boast, but it also teaches my sister a valuable lesson for beating me up in the third grade.”

Although it has not yet been confirmed that Malcolm Turnbull will be once again in the running for the top job, witnesses have reported seeing the the “leather fox” exiting Woolworths with a trolley full of jacket polish late last night. However, if he does run, Mr Turnbull is expected to be challenged for the top job by living cockney-rhyming slang Greg Hunt, who has gained much popularity within the Liberal party since taking on the role of Minister for the Environment, and the Destruction Thereof.

Much speculation is now circling about Mr Abbott’s post Liberal party career. Whether or not Mr Abbott will go so far as to join the rival opposition party, Friends of the ABC, remains to be seen.

Members of the Labor party were unavailable to comment in relation to this piece due to the entire party currently appearing before a hearing of the Independent Commission Against Corruption.