Comedy //

Far-Left Productivity Drops as Remainder of the Alphabet is Replaced by Asterisks

B*nn*tt Sh*ld*n nailed a Year 4 spelling quiz for no reason.

Following the united left conference held in Melbourne last week, little else has been accomplished by the far-left, with many members citing their difficulty in correspondence as a major source of the efficiency drop.

“Sure, it’s going to take some time to get used to, but so have all major changes. It feels good to be at the forefront while others are stuck in the dark ages,” said *** ***** through his pageboy, unable to communicate electronically.

“The problem with English is its origins in a colonial patriarchy. We considered taking on Hindi, but cultural appropriation’s a *****.”

The need for change was realized after a survey was conducted at the conference in which it was found that for the first year every letter was considered offensive. Other notable results were ‘x’ topping the list for the fourth consecutive year, and ‘h’ finally breaking into the top five.

The group hopes the movement will pick up in momentum, but so far gaining a social media presence has proven problematic. Some lifetime left voters have criticised the change, claiming that leftist publications now only make “marginally more sense than those of the liberals.”

In related news, the far-left spelling bee has moved into day six with all contestants remaining.