Comedy //

People Who Are Afraid Of Houses Fight To Reclaim “Homeophobe”

Nick Gowland quite likes Federation-era cottages.


The Australian Homeophobe Support Group today launched a movement designed to educate the public about the difference between discriminatory attitudes to homosexuality, and people who are afraid of houses.

“Ever since the first Neanderthal decided to sleep in a cave, there have been other Neanderthals cowering outside at the sheer domesticity of it all,” said AHSG director Michael Travis at the launch of the “Homeophobes not Homophobes” campaign. “We only have the utmost respect and support for the struggle of our LGBT friends. However, for too long homeophobes have had to conceal their identity for fear of being labelled bigots. This is about ending that fear.”

Mr Travis told reporters that the campaign will also break down the stigma against those who are uncomfortable with households. “Homeophobia is a lifelong journey, but with routine therapy and relaxation exercises, most of us learn to function healthily in tents, palaces, hotels, and even particularly charmless houses,” he said, before fleeing in terror after mistaking a gust of wind for the crackling fire in a cosy Federation cottage.

The “Homeophobes not Homophobes” movement has met with staunch support from the powerful Hummerphobe lobby, which objects to large military utility vehicles, as well as the countless thousands of anti-naturopathy Homeophobes. The campaign has also found unlikely backers in those who are terrified of the Simpson family patriarch and/or author of The Odyssey. At the time of printing it was unclear whether the historically unstable alliance of Jewish and Muslim hamophobes would put aside their differences and throw their considerable weight behind the campaign.

However, the movement has not met a strong backlash from an autonomous collective of individuals who identify as terrified of words that are spelt differently but sound the same. A spokesperson for the collective, which describe themselves as “homophonophobes”, wished to clarify that they’re “not afraid of gay people’s telephones,” but maintained that they could only ever see themselves endorsing the word “houseophobes”.