Comedy //

USyd Becomes Zoo After Buffalo Infestation

Sarah Mourney plays around on Noah’s Ark.

giraffe

giraffe

Many people might be frightened by buffalo, but Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence plans to capitalise on the majestic creatures by turning most of Sydney University into a zoo. Spence decided on this plan of action after realising that money could be made, telling the press “cash money is good cha-ching cha-ching”. He also stated that students shouldn’t worry about being overlooked by animals, because “all animals are equal, but fee-paying animals are more equal than others”.

Spence intends to bring in elephants, giraffes, and narwals. Carslaw Hub will remain, as usual, a pigsty. The main exhibit will be in the Engineering building that shall become an anthropological exhibit of Neanderthals. In other news, all Engineering students will now be kept in on-campus accommodation.

The Law Lawns will be filled with peacocks, to enhance the peacocking that already occurs there. Hermann’s will become a special ibis enclosure. Unibros has already agreed to be the main provider of zoo food, and has advised that there will be no changes to their menu. The School of Veterinary Science will provide free services by forcing all students to complete an unpaid internship working at the zoo in order to graduate their degree.

The University has recently received substantial financial backing from Japanese game parks upon announcing that once a week animals can fight to the death to secure Merit Scholarships.

When interviewed, the Fox said “Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!”

Vice Chancellor Michael Spence.

Michael Spence

Michael Spence: the fair controller?

The Vice Chancellor has been in the role for almost a decade; his drive to reshape the University seems to have only grown.