In a revelation that has stunned even the most avid political watchers and sent shockwaves through NSW Parliament, the Independent Commission Against Corruption today tabled incontrovertible evidence that a sitting member of parliament was not corrupt in any way.
The gallery was said to be left speechless as the Commissioners handed down their ruling, describing the Member for Wollondili as a fine upstanding citizen and a benefit to his constituency, to the disbelief of all those present.
The member, who cannot be named due to early onset Alzheimer’s, was swamped by the press as he left the ICAC gallows, with reporters clamouring to find out just why he thought he was so above accepting the bribes of hard working mob bosses.
“Look we’ve been all offered large sums of money for various kickbacks, but I found the thought of accepting a bribe while in public office unconscionable and morally unjustifiable,” said the Member, apparently without irony.
“I also reported these offers to the police, and I’ve kept copies of the reports filed, which are available on my website, alongside a checked list of every single one of my election promises that I have dutifully honored to date.”
Owing to the unprecedented allegations, speculation is rife on social media that the sitting Member may simply be so corrupt that he has just bribed the entire anti-corruption enquiry, a claim police are now looking into until they are bribed enough to drop the investigation.
The Labor party has lashed out at the revelations, describing them as “completely without proof”, largely missing the whole point of the matter. “This is a complete disgrace,” said the Shadow Member for Construction of Slush Funds the Hon.
“If all politicians stopped accepting bribes then the public would have to start footing the bill for their playboy lifestyles, meaning we’d have to be paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars in salaries and pension plans. That is to say hundreds of thousands of dollars more on top of the ones we already provide them, and the public simply won’t stand for it. This blatant lack of corruption is something they’d never have to worry about under a Labor government, or come to think of it a Liberal government either. I guess what I’m trying to say is fuck the Greens.”
The commission has now handed on its evidence over to the Supreme Court, where it is expected to be added to the cache of ICAC investigations awaiting processing in the central heating furnace.