Comedy //

EXCLUSIVE: Chris Pyne Got Out, We Learnt What He Was All About

William Edwards wrote this for Queen and surplus.

A power vacuum and awkward silence have appeared in Cabinet following the unexpected death of Christopher Pyne. The late Minister for Education and favourite of student protesters met his untimely end in a violent altercation only hours ago, owing to a rapid and unexpected series of events.

The tragedy began to unfold when Pyne, discussing the government’s controversial new budget, explained: “By and large, we have a mandate to do most of these changes.” When asked how he could claim a mandate for policies not actually put to voters, voters who were in fact promised that these policies were out of the question, he appeared flustered and began to blush. “No, no, you misheard me,” he insisted. “I wasn’t even talking about the budget. What I meant was that I have a man date. Two words. And he’s gorgeous!” Pyne, wiping his brow nervously, immediately changed subject and the issue was dropped, leaving just enough time for his audience to politely feign surprise.

Elsewhere, however, Pyne’s coming out wasn’t received so disinterestedly. Church pulpits were pounded, wailing was heard from a meeting of the University of Sydney Conservative Club, and Tony Abbott began to froth at the mouth. Abbott, at the time reportedly smoking premium tobacco rolled in $100 bills, flew into a rage at the news. Witnesses claim to have heard him mutter a number of phrases – notably “gay agenda” and “he’s worse than my sister” – before loudly and through tears yelling, allegedly to no one in particular: “Will no one rid me of this turbulent queer?!” Those were the words that sealed Pyne’s fate.

Four of Abbott’s most loyal knights, whose identities are currently unknown, are said to have flown into action upon hearing the Prime Minister’s outburst. After a brief search, the knights found Pyne in the process of buying drinks for a younger man in one of Oxford Street’s best-known gay clubs. There they drew their taxpayer-funded swords and, with a cry of “For Queen and surplus!” slew Pyne, who in his final moments is believed to have whispered: “But I was born this way.”

A hairshirt-wearing Abbott, seemingly in penance for Pyne’s death, has since declared that the former Minister for Educaiton will receive a full state funeral. Several young Centrelink recipients will carry the coffin as part of their budget-related “heavy lifting”.