Comedy //

Neurosurgeons To Be Replaced By Priests

Elliott Brennan decided to write heaps for us this week.

Further analysis of the Federal Budget has revealed a 10 year plan to gradually replace Australia’s neurosurgeons with much-needed priests. The overhaul will be finalised in 2024, by which time there will be no remaining practitioners who are not members of the clergy.

The high costs of the scheme, which include paying for the lifestyles and houses of fully dependent ageing men, will be covered by a two-tier system. The first tier will see further degradation of funding for the completely redundant Royal Commission into child abuse, and the second will appear in the form of a collection till that will be passed around hospital waiting rooms peer-pressuring the sick into donating. On top of these measures, hand sanitiser dispensers in hospitals will be replaced with cheaper and more effective holy water equivalents.

Prime Minister Abbott defended the scheme to the feral left-wing media who questioned the ethics of the program. “James 5:16 reads, ‘The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.’ That is beyond doubt. I truly believe that,” he said.

In addition to clergymen taking hold of scalpels it has been confirmed that Cardinal George Pell will be returning to Australia to author the Brain Injury Australia 2015 Annual Report – a role in which his apt scientific knowledge displayed on the ABC’s Q&A in 2012 will be fully utilised.