Comedy //

Soon To Open USyd Cafe Actually Just Deathtrap For Hipsters

Peter Walsh dreams of a utopic future.

hipsterdeathtrap

In an effort to curb irony, the University of Sydney Union has endorsed the opening of a new café in the Wentworth building: Laneway.

Laneway will feature artisan breads, freshly ground sustainable coffee, floors made of a sticky substance that restricts movement, and a constant flowing passage of carbon monoxide. 

The Laneway development, named for the popular festival, and also to evoke the one-way passage of students towards their inevitably painful death, anticipates opening in advance of semester two. 

Union CEO Andrew Woodward expects the new development to be popular amongst members of the Arts faculty, noting the “sheep mentality” evinced by students. “In trials, we asked the question: if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it? And the answer was a resounding ‘I dunno, whatever’.”

It hasn’t all been positive, though. There have been noted objections amongst the custodial staff, many of whom are reluctant to spend their evenings prying piles of double-denimed, prescription-less-glassesed ex-students from the ground.

Thankfully, however, these staff are set to be made redundant over the break, replaced by the unpaid volunteers that came to prominence in last year’s re O-Week.

As a promotion, during the first two weeks of operation, customers with Access cards will be given a swift knock over the head on entry, to make the process faster.

Vice Chancellor Michael Spence.

Michael Spence

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