Comedy //

The Queen Speaks

BREAKING NEWS: Queen Elizabeth II is a feminist! That’s right, our very own constitutional monarch and grandmother of Baby George (how cute is he?! For pics click here) has just joined our best and brightest Beyonce, Germaine Greer and Judith Butler in announcing that she is a feminist!!!! Queen E let the news slip late yesterday afternoon. Lucky for you guys HARLOTTE was on the scene ASAP. Our reporters joined her Highness for tea at Buckingham Palace this morning to ask all the important questions.

Q: So Queen Elizabeth, what led you to realise the feminist path was the path for you?

A: Good question slut! Sorry, I’m really into reclaiming language ATM. This was definitely a difficult choice for me and one I put a lot of thought into. What really pushed me over the edge was Laci Green’s latest video – “What is a feminist?” I never realized that believing in equality was all it took to be a feminist. I thought I’d have to stop shaving my legs and hook up with Kate Middleton in some funky political lesbian relationship, definitely not my style. But yes, when I learnt that I could preach the label without having to change any of my behaviour I thought: this is for me.

Q: Inspiring answer. Too many girls today think feminism is a political movement. You’re right – it is just a label! So let’s get practical – what kind of stuff can we expect from the Palace on this front?

A: I’ve also started putting in place some changes around the palace to fit with my new groove. For one, we’ve banned Blurred Lines from the official Buckingham soundtrack. We’ve also replaced the portrait of King George V with Margaret Thatcher (a great female leader!) and increased the pay of all the female help by 17%.

Q: How have the boys responded? Who’s the next feminist in line?

A: Harry was the most enthusiastic. He’s been trying to convince me to get on board with this “sex positive feminism” thing for a while; apparently his lovely ladies from the United States are ardent preachers. Charles has been a bit more apprehensive. It’s okay though, we’ve started to develop a bit of banter to ease him into the whole thing. When he gets too patriarchal now I tell him to “check his privilege” and then we have a good chuckle.
As for William, he bought Naomi Wolf’s “Vagina” yesterday for more information; he really just wants to understand where I’m coming from.

Q. If you had one message for young girls to take away, what would it be?

A: I would tell them to be empowered by their choices. I feel empowered by my choice to be Queen and I think that if they work hard, one day they can be empowered in the same way. It breaks my heart to see aristocratic women stop at Duchess, Baroness or Countess; we really need to break down that solid gold ceiling. We can win this fight together and we fucking will bitches!