Letters //

Won’t somebody think of the pies?

A letter from Sam Herzog


Dear Honi,

I’m writing to you to air my grievances about the pies sold at the Fisher Coffee Cart. My expectations for the quality of these pies is already significantly low: normally they are akin to paleolithic fossils, possessing the taste of dried concrete, and I have grown accustom to this. However, today, the soggy piece of shit that I purchased with four dollars and thirty-five cents of taxpayer dollars was as inedible as actual dog shit. The only way I could recreate this culinary sensation was if you had a loaf of bread, chewed it up, and then spat it into my mouth. Now it might be “reasonable” for a person to suggest that I should stop buying these pies, but I am not a reasonable person; If Tony Jones ever tried to tell me what democracy was, I’d follow him home and fill his car with fresh trout. I vehemently advocate that the Fisher Coffee Cart be shut down immediately and an exorbitant royal commission be established in an attempt to rectify this unfortunate situation.

With a misunderstanding of roman numerals,

Sam Herzog