The other day I tried to log onto Tinder and it didn’t work. The day after that I tried again. It still didn’t work. I have been trying for seven days and still Tinder will not let me log in. Instead, it keeps showing me this message:
This was very troubling for me because I had struck up several conversations with several promising love interests. I have 256 matches on Tinder. My friend Alex has over 500. She is beating me at Tinder, but I don’t mind. Alex is very pretty. My Tinder profile consists only of a photo of a lamppost, my friend’s ex-boyfriend and a biography in which I threaten to bash anyone who tries to meet up with me.
Anyway, the first thing I tried to do when I realised my Tinder account was broken was uninstalling and reinstalling the app. I did this several times. Then I uninstalled and reinstalled the Facebook app. I did this several times. Then I moved my Tinder app closer to my Facebook app, so they were actually quite proximal to each other on my phone.
See how close Tinder is to Facebook? It only needs to reach out and connect. But still, the app was not working. Yes, I have Find My Friends. I have Find My Friends because sometimes when I go on Tinder dates my friends are afraid that I’m going to be kidnapped, so they like to track me.
Now I was very sad that my Tinder account was not working. I told my mum. I said, “Mum, I don’t think I’ll be able to continue the family line. My Tinder account is no longer working.” She replied, “What do you mean?” I said, “I can’t log in! I haven’t been able to log in for the past week!” She said, “Why don’t you send them an email? You know what probably happened? That guy you went on a date with who worked in IT probably had your profile blocked.” “Yeah, good thinking mum! I will write them an email.”
Before writing them an email I sent several people on Facebook accusatory messages. “DID YOU REPORT ME ON TINDER???? I THINK I’VE BEEN BANNED.” None of them replied. It will be awkward when we next run into each other, but that is the price I am willing to pay for love. After this, I sent Tinder an email.
They replied very quickly, with a rival email. (Not everything is a competition, but my email was better).
#400742?!?!?! This email reminded me of the time I went to the butcher at David Jones. I tried to order a piece of steak. They said, “Get a ticket.” I went to that red ticket machine and pulled out a ticket that read “60”. I am not waiting for 60 people before buying one piece of steak, I thought to myself. And I went home.
#400742?!?!?! I am not waiting for 400742 people to have their requests answered before I can get onto Tinder! I told my friend Alex (the one with the 500 matches) who suggested that maybe they weren’t taking my request seriously because I am only 23. “Perhaps they have pushed you to the back of the queue because they think you’re relatively fertile? Explain to them that you want to have 12 children before you turn 30 and they might push you towards the front of the queue. You must always articulate concerns regarding your biological clock.” Good idea, Alex. I will send them another email. I have lots of homework today because I study medicine, but still: Love Before Learning <3.
I clicked on “the link below”, as they say, and was taken to Tinder’s “zendesk”, as they say. Why is it called a zendesk? It should be called a helpdesk if that’s what it is. I think they used the term “zen” in a misleading way because when I reached the “zendesk” I was in no way “zen”. In fact, I was frustrated to find that I was the only person ever who had ever been on the “zendesk” and so there were no answers to any of my questions.
That is a terrible knowledge base. I literally have a bigger knowledge base in my head, and I usually have to pay people in order to give them my advice.
Anyway, I thought I’d see if there was some hidden knowledge.
Still, no knowledge.
No knowledge for me.
Okay, so I then Facebooked all my friends who work in IT (n =1) and asked them for help. They thought I was joking so didn’t help me.
I wrote Tinder another message. This one was far more eloquent than the first.