Editorial: Tasmanian troubles

This week Honi has given precisely zero space to the Commonwealth Games, which we feel is entirely appropriate.

Welcome back! I guarantee you this edition will be better reading than any course introduction. For academic purposes, Week 1 is a non-week – it’s never in exams. Though if you’re a medical student maybe don’t listen to me.

This week Honi has given precisely zero space to the Commonwealth Games, which we feel is entirely appropriate.* If you think this is an egregious error then can we recommend the morning shows or moving into a retirement village.

The joke’s on us though, because apparently the Games will trigger Tasmania’s secession. The Speedos worn by our nation’s beloved water monsters have caused the controversy. These swimmers feature maps of mainland Australia with native animals, but the Apple Isle is nowhere to be seen.

OMG. The one person I know from Tasmania informs me the Apple Isle is Tasmania. Only those with a chronic insecurity complex would want such a self-aggrandising name. Too good for the plebeian ‘island’, ey?

Post-eminent media stronghold news.com reports: “Thirty-two years after the biggest snub in Tasmanian history, it’s happened again.” Apparently the three decade-old nightmare started during the 1982 Brisbane Commonwealth Games, when Opening Ceremony dancers made a formation in the shape of Australia which did not include Tasmania. Who knew the Games were such an oppressive institution?

Tasmanian MP Andrew Nikolic said the omission is a “repetitive insult” and assured his constituents he has written to the federal Sports Minister to demand that the Commonwealth Games Federation “have a good, hard look at themselves”. The Tasmanian Premier Will Hodgman called it “utterly un-Australian” placing it alongside pokie reforms, light beer and Marmite. We should be ashamed.

Historian Reg Watson said the snubbing “is typical of how mainlanders treat Tasmania, and this is why I believe in secession for Tasmania.” This beacon of knowledge’s by-line is “Politically incorrect and proud of it!” Elementary, my dear Watson.

Premier Hodgman has tried to calm secessionist tempers, saying: “I’m seriously annoyed, but this doesn’t mean we’ll move to secede.” Politicians have lied before. I can hear the tanks mobilising.

Palmer United Party Senator Jacqui Lambie has demanded $5 million compensation from the Commonwealth Government. I’m not kidding. She thinks leaving the small blob of land off the graphic design has caused irreparable damage. “Ordinary Tasmanians will be offended and feelings will be hurt.”

Since seeing the swimmers, Google Maps have covered Tasmania with ocean and Speedo is rumoured to be the new official Atlas maker.

Apparently this controversy last fired up when Arnott’s released a special edition Australian Day biscuit that also omitted Tasmania (pictured). I’m not sure what sort of invisible biscuit attachment our six-fingered compatriots wanted, but biscuit making should be innovative I guess.

Here’s to a semester of more inclusive biscuits!

* It’s 10:30pm on Sunday and I just read page 5, fuck it.

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