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News for Dummies

William Edwards recaps Important Wordly Affairs.

When 12-year-old Claire Falls learned that the government had revoked the Australian Paralympic football team’s funding, she personally mailed Tony Abbott to express her disappointment. In turn, Abbott sent a form response, which completely ignored Falls’s questions. Falls dismissed Abbott’s letter as “waffle about democracy,” further asking “isn’t democracy supposed to be about equality?” The incident is but one of many in which a child has shown more insight than the Prime Minister.

The XX Commonwealth Games commenced in Glasgow, Scotland, with an opening ceremony, which, to wide critical acclaim, featured adorable dogs wearing pretty coats. Australian viewers rejoiced at the opportunity to get their money’s worth from patriotic merchandise they bought for the World Cup, but were too embarrassed to use then. Less enthused are the people of Tasmania, whose state wasn’t pictured alongside others on the national speedo design. Such exclusion has long been an issue for Tasmanians, who have repeatedly refused to take the hint.

Inspired by her party leader’s audacious and unapologetic style, Jacqui Lambie discussed her ideal man on Tasmanian radio station Heart 107.3FM. “They must have heaps of cash and they’ve got to have a package between their legs, let’s be honest. And I don’t need them to speak,” the Palmer United Party Senator joked. The backlash was immediate. Listeners and commentators expressed shock, even outrage, that a PUP member would say something unconventional.

A qualitative study on post-budget sentiment with a catchy title: ‘How Australians are feeling about the economy and the future post-budget’, has revealed that Australians are feeling fairly apprehensive about the economy and the future post-budget. There was a strong sentiment among respondents that the budget unfairly affects more vulnerable members of society. The discovery of such compassion among the Australian populace is expected to considerably disturb the Coalition, who would find electoral success elusive should electors exercise their consciences.