Comedy //

Abbott Unveils New Policy To Stop The Boats

William Edwards reports on the latest news from Canberra.

Tony Abbott has unveiled his government’s newest policy to make Australia seem less appealing than the places asylum seekers flee from. The new policy, named ‘Operation Fuck Off We’re Full’, aims to introduce scurvy to people smugglers and their customers, thereby preventing them from setting sail or, at the least, from ever reaching Australian waters.

“I have to stop the boats,” Abbott declared, while bashing his chest. “I tried to buy them and you mocked me. Now I’m trying this. In the end we are in a fierce contest with these people smugglers and if we were at war we wouldn’t think giving our enemies scurvy was wrong, so why should we now?”

Bill Shorten took four seconds to regain his composure after the announcement, the longest time an Opposition Leader has ever taken to contradict a Prime Minister. “Labor would never use such farcical tactics,” Shorten finally said, obviously confused by Abbott’s comparison and electoral success. “Scurvy isn’t even contagious! How does the Prime Minister plan on infecting anyone with that? Huh? Labor would use a plague.”

Abbott immediately grew defensive of his policy, vehemently disagreeing with Shorten’s suggestion that scurvy was not contagious. The two attempted to consult a nearby doctor to settle the issue, but were refused assistance when neither had $7 available to pay.

They subsequently attempted to consult a scientist, but none could be found within 100km of the nation’s capital.