Comedy //

BREAKING: Madonna Really Fucking Old

John Rowley’s got the scoop.

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This month, singer of songs and famous old person Madonna will turn 56. To mark the occasion, Honey Soy has reviewed media coverage of the ageing star published over the last 12 months (representing just 1.8 per cent of the singer’s life to date). The survey involved the analysis of relevant content produced by News Corp, Fairfax Media and the Mail Online.

One key trend emerges from this analysis: Madonna is old. Honey Soy located 337 articles published by the aforementioned media companies that made mention of Madonna, and only one of these failed to mention her advanced (and rapidly advancing!!!) age. It was attributed to “Daily Mail Reporter”, and detailed Madonna’s plan to open a new gym in New York. Luckily, vigilant Mail Online commenters alerted fellow readers to the fact that Madonna is basically a heap of post-menopausal, slowly decomposing sinew.

“This old slag needs to put her tits away,” wrote Maurice62. “I’d much rather have a go on Gwen Stefani”.

Apart from its singular slip-up, the Mail Online has been admirably consistent in communicating to its audience that Madonna is geriatric and should therefore be stripped of her sexual agency. In more than half of its Madonna-related content, the publication noted the singer’s age in headlines as well as body copy. “Try-hard Madonna, 55, dresses like a woman half her age as she dines out with toyboy Timor Steffens, 26,” read a typical story title from January.

Honey Soy contacted Madonna in the hope of obtaining a comment, but she failed to respond to our email – probably because she’s old, and doesn’t really understand the internet. Old, old, old, old, old, DED.

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