A great calamity has befallen upon us, for you must know that the doomsayers were right indeed. “You’ve lost me, so I’m just going to flip to the crosswords now,” you say, “But they don’t sell hot dogs anymore at the coffee carts!” “EXCUSE ME.”
Much like the despair felt by Caesar on the Ides of March or by Robin Thicke after the release of Paula – such despair has filled our hallowed halls. Let me recreate my own personal tragedy for you:
A lone student on the eve of his MATH1002 exam finishes his ‘revision’. Half-starved, he manoeuvres his way through endless aisles of dusty books, his tired eyes struggling to see as fluorescent lights flicker above. He doggedly treads the sterile path to the Fisher Coffee Cart only to find that: “I’m sorry we don’t serve hot dogs anymore”. Instead, he is forced to purchase what he is told is called a “sausage roll”.
The larger question that looms overhead like a giant sewing machine in the sky is why they disappeared in the first place. Time spent theorising with a fellow connoisseur turned up two possible reasons. The first is simple – the health concerns associated with eating fatty, processed offal – but the second is more complicated. It could be the “unwieldy” process of assembling the hotdog – neatly placing the frankfurter within the spongy confines of the bun, and then applying sauce before wrapping the entire affair in a paper bag. This process, coupled with the already prohibitive lines at USU coffee carts, could have led waiting times to become unbearable, and, ultimately, a financial hit to the Union – a probable reason behind their outrageous disappearance.
Hot dogs still exist in some form at Manning Bar…on Wednesday nights. After attending a fairly anti-climatic hot dog eating contest on campus last week, it’s clear that the food itself isn’t going to disappear entirely. This is, however, insufficient – how many more students will have their lives unfulfilled, asking for a hot dog and receiving their tepid sausage roll?
I know I am no longer going to stand back and take these sausage rolls. That sounds like something Tony Abbott would do. Are you Tony Abbott? Of course not, so take action and protest (that might work, right?), or, alternatively, you could join me in my passive frustration and pray someone from the USU reads this. That might work too. Maybe.
Illustration by Monica Renn.