CHECHKEN, KIEV – Sources at the Ukrainian border have confirmed reports today that Russia has deployed over 150 aid tanks across northern Ukraine, in order to “shore up the wellbeing of the citizens in the wartorn annex”. Although the use of armoured tanks is an unorthodox choice of transport in a humanitarian crisis, the Kremlin has assured the public that the tanks are only being used to ensure the safety of Russia’s humanitarian marines, in the face of increasingly hostile pro-Ukrainian citizens.
While some critics have pointed out that deploying heavy artillery into a foreign country may be seen as an act of war, Russian sources have retorted that they are acting well within the bounds of the UN aid charter, which explicitly states tanks filled with water were classified under humanitarian services, and that each tank was equipped with at least one bottle of Evian.
Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has so far refused to rule out military involvement, should the Russian tanks at any point interrupt one of his press conferences from the site of the MH17 crash. The Russian government has previously blasted Abbott’s counterpart Julie Bishop for her comments regarding Russian foreign affairs, however they did concede that Mrs Bishop’s new haircut had made her statements seem a bit more down to earth. US President Obama has also threatened further economic sanctions against Russia, pledging to end the use of Vodka in college frat parties, potentially costing the Russian economy billions of dollars each weekend.
Russian President and Imperial House Elf Vladimir Putin has responded with a pre-written statement condemning the international community for letting cold war paranoia get in the way of Russia backed aid reaching the victims of Russian backed violence. Earlier speculation that Mr Putin would front the UN to air his grievances fell through when his demands for a giant electric orthopedic swivel chair to be installed at the round-table were not agreed to by the council, who said they drew the line at providing a fluffy white cat and a pit of ravenous albino lions.
The Red Cross have spoken out in support of Russia’s actions, though with a name like that speculation is rife that the organisation may simply be a front for pro-Soviet sentiment.