Comedy //

Sex Advice From Michael Spence

As told to Peter Walsh.


He’s laissez faire about love. A deregulator of deviance. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life, look no further than the Seducer of Sydney.

Hey there, sorry I’m late. Just drying my hands. Love the baguettes they sell here, you want one? No? Well, I’d like to begin by saying it’s an honour to be asked and look I’ve always been an educator, so I’m happy to talk about it so long as it stays between you and me.


Well look, when you’re having your way with anyone, you’ve got to start slowly. Begin by eroding time-honoured agreements, keep out of long term commitments – if you’ll let me be figurative – ‘casualise your labour’ or so to speak. Once the foreplay’s finished, gently insert your neo-conservative rhetoric into the conversation; persuade them to accept short-term pain in exchange for future pleasures. It’s all a transaction, no need for love, finish what you’re doing and pay for it while you’re there—

Mm. Sorry. I got a little carried away. Though don’t think I’m dogmatic. I’m open to trying new things. Convocation’s an orgy, right?