Struggle street: a journey down Science Road

Angela Collins reports on an ill-fated campus journey.

A student looks set to make a full recovery after collapsing outside the Old Geology Building on Tuesday, having failed an attempted expedition to the top of Science Road.

Honi asked the student for comment and was shocked to find that the incident had obviously caused serious stress and mental trauma. The student, a second-year History major who asked to remain anonymous, claimed:

“I only stopped to tie up my new Docs – have you seen the laces on those things? So I was kneeling down a while and suddenly there were all these people around me trying to give me water. I’m perfectly ok, trust me!”

Further investigation was obviously needed in the face of these delusional claims. After some initial digging, a source close to the victim has come forward, stating that the student had been planning the arduous journey to the summit of Science Road for months in advance.

“He’d been stocking up on stationery that was both lightweight and cost-effective from Officeworks for months. He was even considering a trip to Broadway for more variety, but I guess he thought he was prepared enough…”

The source speculated further that the student set up base camp at the Demountable Village, attempting to barter with the local people with Kilometrico pens in exchange for food and shelter.

“He would have been fine at the start. It’s the incline that would have got him. And the altitude. He has asthma, the fool – don’t know why he even attempted the climb. Wanted the glory I suppose.”

The student, becoming defensive when probed for the truth, showed clear signs of denial in the face of tragedy:

“I said already, I was just tying up my Docs on the way to my class in the Quad! I walk up Science Road all the time!”

After examination of the scene, experts have suggested that the student’s attempt may have unravelled upon approaching the notorious speed bump about halfway to the summit.

“He didn’t even have a grapplehook,” said Dr Hamilton, of the Geology department, making a disapproving scoffing noise. “If you want to get over that speed bump, you’re going to need a grapplehook – any adventurer with half a brain knows that!”

Hamilton, who described himself as a veteran climber of Science Rd, suggested that a combination of steep incline, random slow moving cars, and thin air resulting from severe changes in altitude, would have likely caused the downfall of the student.

“Some people just aren’t cut out for it,” he shrugged.