“Indigenous
Misc //

How to grow your own pronouns

Gabriel Hanrahan-Lawrence has a foolproof method for discovering the pronouns that work for you.

garden bed

Tired of people telling you to stop using “made up” pronouns? Fed up with the dull pronouns that everyone seems to use? Want to create your own 100% natural set? Then this is the guide for you! Here’s how to make legitimate, organic, respectable, and cool pronouns, on the cheap!

Ingredients: 

Certified Androgynous Clothing™

Complex Gender Metaphors

Confused Relatives™

Relentless Misgendering

People You Thought Were Trans Allies©

Unnecessary Loopholes

“You’re Either A Man Or A Woman” Tumblr Messages

A flowerpot

A mushroom circle

An ancient, powerful, and terrifying water spirit

Method:

1. Start with a thick paste of Complex Gender Metaphors and Relentless Misgendering.

2. Add Confused Relatives™, to taste.

3. Mix in Certified Androgynous Clothing™ (Note: DFAB people can substitute with Casual Masculine Clothing™, DMAB people can substitute with Casual Masculine Clothing™, With Standard Black Skirt™!) Refrigerate.

4. Jump through Unnecessary Loopholes to receive an X marker on your documentation. This step is vital because, as we all know, if it isn’t legal, it isn’t real.®

5. Combine “You’re Either A Man Or A Woman” Tumblr Messages and People You Thought Were Trans Allies© until the consistency resembles that of Confused Family Relatives™. Heat on low for a few minutes, or until it reaches a green-brown colour resembling fresh baby shit. Add to existing mixture.

Transfer to a small flowerpot. 6. Place the flowerpot inside a mushroom circle and leave to germinate for 3 weeks.

7. At the end of the 3 weeks, bring your flowerpot to the river in which the ancient, powerful and terrifying water spirit lives. Present the mixture as an offering and ask for the spirit to invoke a new set of pronouns for you.

8. Wait for the banks of the river to rise to your shins, begin to chant the words “you can’t use they as a singular pronoun”. Try to use the whiniest voice you can muster.

9. When the water recedes to a normal level, your new, natural pronouns will be inscribed on the river bank. Congratulations! You have succeeded.

Alternate method:

1. Fuck anyone who says that non-binary people aren’t “really trans”. There is no 100% true trans narrative, and people who say that there is are dense and not worth your time.

2. Throw anyone who disrespects your pronouns and/or name straight into the actual trash. Maybe while they’re in the trash they can find some trash friends to talk about their trash heroes like Ayn Rand and Cathy Brennan.

3. Use whatever pronouns you like, no matter how made up they are. Don’t do this just because literally all of language is “made up”, but because you should be allowed to do whatever you need to make yourself comfortable in your gender.