Comedy //

Mildly Dramatic Yet Essentially Safe Collisions With Inanimate Objects New Form Of Psycho-Therapy

Sam Langford enjoys walking into doors.

After valiantly surviving a run-in with the front of a slowly-moving bus, an unnamed USU Board Director says he feels the vehicle’s impact really “knocked [his] problems into perspective”. In the wake of the startling realisation that the laws of physics extend to intangible states of mind, an eager copycat movement has arisen.

One of the movement’s founders, Mary Lane, explains that the movement aims to improve people’s lives and outlooks through mildly dramatic – yet essentially safe – collisions with easily accessible environmental objects.

“We really aim to have an impact on people – in this case, quite literally.”

Despite its slightly brutal inspiration, the movement has a strong focus on safety and consent. As slowly moving and non-lethal buses are difficult to come by, followers have found alternatives in walking into low-hanging branches, stubbing toes on doorframes, and having Macbooks tumble onto them when desks fail in lectures.

In the recent inclement weather, a popular option has been to simply stand on Eastern Avenue and wait for a wild umbrella to eventually make contact. Emotional support is then provided via social media, where followers are encouraged to share their stories of minor physical impact and subsequent emotional transformation.

When asked why the strategy was better than traditional counselling and therapy, Mary explained that the cost barriers to accessing such services are often prohibitive for students from low-SES backgrounds. “Walking into a door, on the other hand, is freely available and accessible to anyone. It really equalises the playing field.”