As millions of Scots took to the ballot-boxes last Friday afternoon, a conference of State and Territory Premiers gathered at Campbell Newman’s Queensland home to nudge him slightly and drop subtle hints while pointing at the TV.
In what was a covert attempt to convince Queensland to leave the Commonwealth, leaked emails reveal that multiple links to Scotland’s ‘Yes’ campaign have been sent to Newman’s office, accompanied by phrases like “Huh…”, “Wow” and an emoji of a thumb with a question mark next to it.
In private, the Premiers have claimed that the state – which allows ‘fear of homosexual advance’ as a defence to murder and has elected Clive Palmer and Pauline Hanson to national office – is simply too terrible to function.
“Queensland is like if the abstract concept of bigotry was condensed into an irregularly shaped triangle,” said Victorian Premier Denis Napthine. “I know the Scottish result doesn’t set the best precedent, but I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try.”
In an impromptu press conference the Governor of NSW Marie Bashir asked assembled journalists if they “had ever even been to the Gold Coast”, and simply nodded with a knowing expression to any that replied with yes.
“I would totally deliver the news myself,” continued the 83-year old Dame, “and I wouldn’t even do it face-to-face. I’d just text. Stone cold.”
Despite the ‘No’ result in Scotland, Australia remains optimistic about Queensland. Analysts have predicted that the concerns over economic uncertainty that swayed the issue in the UK are unlikely to resurface, given the Sunshine State’s primary exports are Big Brother contestants and racism. The new country’s flag would most likely be maroon and feature an image of a cismale telling an Asian to go home.