Comedy //

ISIS Has A Branding Problem

Mary Ward on Board 2015.

On Friday October 10 at 0900 hours, ISIS’s Terrorist Tim met with marketing executive Kyle Sanderson. The following is a transcript of their conversation.

KS: You have a branding problem.

TT: No we don’t. Everyone freaking loves us. Our brand is great.

KS: No, no. Your goodwill is solid. It’s brand clarity that’s the problem.

TT: What do you mean brand clarity? I think we’re pretty clear. Beheadings are clear. Not clean, sure. But clear.

KS: It’s not what you do that’s the problem, Tim. It’s who you are. You. ISIS. Or is it IS? Or ISIL? We need to stop the inconsistent brand messages being sent out by the media, they’re confusing consumers.

TT: I still don’t understand.

KS: Let’s consider the Taliban. What do you call the Taliban, Tim?

TT: The Taliban.

KS. Exactly. You would never call the Taliban ‘the T’ or ‘Tally’s Bandits’. One name, one fear.

TT: Well, what do you propose we do?

KS: You rebrand. You need a new name.  What is it you want, Tim?

TT: World domination, a humble quest.

KS: But, your name – to the extent that we can talk about that catastrophe in the singular – doesn’t tell me that. Do you just want an Islamic State? Do you want Syria? Do you want the Levant? (Do you really want the Levant? Because there are a bunch of basket case nations in that strip and I don’t really think Lebanon’s worth all of this.)

TT: I want all of it! All of it!

KS: Then, tell me that in your brand, Tim! Sell it to me! Let’s brainstorm.

TT: What about the IS(IS/IL)?

KS: You can’t use punctuation marks in hashtags, Tim.

TT: Shit.

KS: You know who are good at this? The Tamil Tigers. Tigers – ferocious, powerful, bestial. You need an animalistic quality. An animal that is small, but a total bastard. A dirty animal who steals and attacks and doesn’t take no shit from no man.

TT: Yeah. What do you suggest?

KS: I’ve got it!

TT: What?